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~xx-Cygnus-xx

Kiriban at 10,000
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About Me Member Deviously Deviant Cygnus21/Male/United States Recent Activity Deviant for 7 Months
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Oh boy.

Thu Nov 26, 2009, 2:30 AM
Let me ask you something.

Is it okay for someone you trusted as a good friend to suddenly stop liking you because he does not approve of your gender? How about jumping into a conversation that is none of his business, and deciding to humiliate you and your body and telling you that you're full of shit for being happy with who you are (not what people see you as/want you to be), with all the attitude of an insecure transphobic/homophobic?

Is it acceptable for someone to harass you by refusing to call you by the proper pronoun? Even though he knows how disrespectful and hurtful that is? Would you call the Queen of England by her first name, instead of "Her Majesty", etc.?

Is it all right to be called a coward because your boyfriend tried to talk to this ex-friend to try and patch things up -- without your knowledge?

Is it so unreasonable to want to give up on a toxic friendship because you just can't get through to this person? And instead of responding to calm patience, and making an attempt to be understanding, all they want to do is call you a liar and insult you?

And are you being "too sensitive" if you find yourself feeling mentally and emotionally broken down over the overwhelming sensation of being told by everyone that you're disgusting/wrong/crazy and receiving no respect as a human being?

Look, I just don't need this in my life. So someone I once thought loved me turned their back on me because he hates himself for stalking and masturbating to -- for well over two years -- to what he refuses to admit is another male. I've been backstabbed before. I can deal with it. But attacking me out of nowhere instead of staying out of my life? Not cool.

Just let me say that my coming out was very slow, but obvious, as he was someone who had willingly supported me through it. And he constantly made passes at me, even homosexual ones.

I didn't lie to anyone. I didn't trick anyone. He knew who and what I was. But now I am treated like a criminal. I've tried to save this "friendship", but I failed. No more talking. I'm done, I've have it, and I refuse to subject myself to any further painful insults for no reason.

I shouldn't have to be saying this, but: If you are disgusted by gays/trans/whatever, then don't flirt with them.

I love myself, and I love being a boy. I was sexually molested on several occasions as a child and as a young adult, but this is not the reason why I am who I am. I did not change. Rather, because of what happened to me, I am simply more uncomfortable in my body than I should be. Because I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I feel inexplicable rage and fear during certain situations. Basically, I feel worthless and helpless when I am referred to as "female". It may make no sense to you, but to me, that means I'm nothing but a piece of fuck-material. It's a very big deal to me.

Bodies don't matter, but I'm a guy, and I deserve to be treated like one, no matter how I look. I shouldn't have to be told that I need to mutilate myself physically in order to join the male club.

And another thing.

Making my problems public is my choice. Maybe it's not the best choice, and maybe it's not everyone's business, but please don't use that as an excuse to say something hurtful. Take responsibility for your words and actions, people.

Words can be powerful enough to drive even the happiest person to suicide under the right conditions.

~Cygnus

Clubs:

:iconrenamonfandom: :iconjustforfaun: :iconbeatlesslashclub:


9 Comments | Previous Journal Entries
  • Mood: Hurt
  • Listening to: Soma FM
  • Watching: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tvhPUpfN-VQ
  • Playing: Blair Witch Vol. 1 -- Rustin Parr
  • Eating: Applesauce
  • Drinking: Lemonade

deviantID

Commission Info: [link]

Devious Info

  • Current Residence: NY
  • Interests: Animation ♥ Music ♥ Vintage ♥ Slash ♥ Monsters ♥ Ghosts
  • Favourite band or musician: Blonde Redhead, The Real Tuesday Weld, Pink Floyd, The Beatles
  • Favourite genre of music: Electronica, Ambient, Alt. Rock
  • Favourite artist: My friends
  • Favourite gaming platform: Playstation
  • Personal Quote: "Nothing is what it seems."
  • Tools of the Trade: Tablet, pencils, micron pens

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Comments


:iconkiki-kiti:
~Kiki-Kiti 1 hour 14 minutes ago
*facepalm*
I lost my old address book so I had to go around and collect everyone's info again. Luckily I had a letter of yours out (and mine to you ready to send now :D), but I forgot your birthday. It's... September, right? Idk the date though. *fails at life*

--
Kiki: Kiki and Kelsey, out on an epic quest to find hot guys!!
Kiki: Will they ever find what they're looking for??
Kiki: ...
Kiki: Probably not.
Kelsey: i was about about to say that
:rose:My best friend ~Kel-elz
[link]
:icongomei:
~Gomei 1 day 6 hours ago
btw can you give me an subbie if im youre not low on money?
:iconxx-cygnus-xx:
~xx-Cygnus-xx 20 hours 29 minutes ago
I have nothing.

--
~Cygnus
:iconxx-cygnus-xx:
~xx-Cygnus-xx 17 hours 55 minutes ago
Sorry. ._.

--
~Cygnus
:icongomei:
~Gomei 2 days 1 hour ago
is my pic ready?
:iconxx-cygnus-xx:
~xx-Cygnus-xx 1 day 22 hours ago
Not yet, my darling. Have patience. I wanted to show you on your birthday. Is that okay, though?

--
~Cygnus
:icongomei:
~Gomei 1 day 13 hours ago
yeah its around the corner
:iconkiki-kiti:
~Kiki-Kiti 3 days 22 hours ago
BNFLKDSBGFJSDVGDS
I DREW
A CHIBI CROONER FOR YOU
AND IT LOOKS SO GOOD AND CUTE

I'm not going to color it and fuck it up somehow D< Art always gets me that way.

*Line art looks great*
Me: 8DDD *goes to ink*
..
..
*screws up*
Me: KASBFDSKJVBFSD *suicide*

I need to get back in the good with Caleb for his scanner or beg someone else...

--
Kiki: Kiki and Kelsey, out on an epic quest to find hot guys!!
Kiki: Will they ever find what they're looking for??
Kiki: ...
Kiki: Probably not.
Kelsey: i was about about to say that
:rose:My best friend ~Kel-elz
[link]
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